You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
