What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
