its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
