I cannot find my penis.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
