If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
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its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
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At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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