Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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