I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
