Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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