not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
