Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize