Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
