Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Damn victory sex feels great
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