Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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