i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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