Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
