life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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