my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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