I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
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The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
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My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then