I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
