I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
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I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I got inside last night via doggy door
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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