How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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