Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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