If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
