Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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