I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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