I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
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Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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