How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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