after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
