the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
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