using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
