I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
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