dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
