i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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