I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
