you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
