I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
