so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
