Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
