how can u be prego again
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Green mimosas i think yes
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Randomize
