Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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