Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm