If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going