My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You're a waste of cheezeits
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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