Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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