My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
