The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
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I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
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I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.