Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up