dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The feeling are messing with the penis
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
