remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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