Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
