Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
