I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
