those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
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We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
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sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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