We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Randomize
