let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
