"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
