just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
