im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
