I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
