i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
