I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
